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Thoughtful reflections, practical tools, and gentle insights to support emotional wellbeing, relationships, and self-understanding.
The Inner Parent, Adult, and Child
Have you ever found yourself reacting in a way that surprised you—perhaps snapping at someone, feeling overly emotional, or suddenly becoming very logical and matter-of-fact? The parent adult child (PAC) model, offers a simple and powerful way to understand this.
The PAC model suggests that we all move between three different “ego states” in our thinking, feeling, and behaviour: Parent, Adult, and Child.
Throughout the day, we move between these states without even realising it. For example:
- You might respond to a mistake with a Critical Parent voice: “I’m so useless.”
- Or feel hurt and withdrawn from your Child state.
- Or pause, reflect, and respond from your Adult: “That didn’t go how I hoped—what can I learn?”
These shifts are completely natural. The goal isn’t to get rid of any part—but to become more aware of them.
Understanding the PAC model can help you:
- Recognise unhelpful inner dialogue
- Respond more calmly in relationships
- Understand emotional reactions (yours and others’)
- Develop greater self-compassion
- Strengthen your ability to pause and choose your response
Often, when we feel “triggered,” it’s our child or parent state reacting based on past experiences—not the present moment.
Next time you notice a strong reaction, you might ask yourself:
- Which part of me is speaking right now?
- Is this my Parent, Adult, or Child?
- What would my Adult say or do in this moment?
The PAC model reminds us that we are deeply shaped by our experiences. With awareness, we can start to respond to ourselves and others with more curiosity, kindness, and choice.
🌿 The Parent part of us is shaped by what we absorbed from caregivers, authority figures, and early experiences growing up. It holds the messages, rules, and beliefs we were taught—both helpful and limiting. There are two main aspects of the Parent:- Nurturing Parent – caring, supportive, reassuring “You’ve done your best, that’s enough.”- Critical Parent – judgmental, controlling, or critical “You should have done better.” This part of us often shows up in how we speak to others—but also in how we speak to ourselves.
🌿 The Adult is the grounded, present, and rational part of us. It processes what’s happening in the here and now, without being overly influenced by past experiences. It might sound like:- “What’s actually going on here?”- “What do I need right now?”- “What’s the most helpful response?” The Adult helps us pause, reflect, and choose rather than react automatically.
🌊 The Child represents our emotional world—our feelings, instincts, creativity, and vulnerability. It’s the part of us that developed in response to our early environment. Again, there are different expressions:- Free Child – playful, curious, spontaneous “This is fun!”- Adapted Child – compliant or rebellious, shaped by expectations “I’ll do what I’m told” or “You can’t make me!” This part of us can bring joy and authenticity—but it can also hold old fears, insecurities, or unmet needs.
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